Is it Alright at the End?
Posted: Monday, January 19, 2009
by Dianne Lehmann
Artisan Jewelry from SyZyGy
Do you eventually get to a point in your life where you have had enough of living? Do you say to yourself that you've lived enough, done enough, learned enough, seen enough, loved enough and now you need no more? Or do you always want more life and living? Is each new day a blessing no matter your situation? What if you are old and in failing health? Do you welcome death? Are you happy to finally come to the end of it?
I don't think about death every day. Actually, I don't think about it much at all. It is, however, always at the back of my mind. I know that we are impermanent and that it could all end at any moment, but it doesn't sadden my days; it makes me grateful for them. But I've been thinking about it quite a lot since my step-dad died so suddenly.
When he awoke in the middle of the night and called 911, was he thinking it was the end? Did he know he wasn't coming back from this one? What was he thinking? Was he happy for the life he had or did he want more? The brand new, unopened loaf of bread in the bread box said that he expected to be around at least long enough to eat it. There were steaks and pork chops in the freezer all portioned out and ready to cook in his brand new Flavor Wave Turbo counter top cooker ("straight from the freezer to ready to eat in the time it takes to defrost"). A new and unopened container of milk and a new package of bacon, cheese slices, eggs and frozen vegetables all said that he was planning on enjoying a few more meals, a few more days. Not to mention an incredible number of cans of Bush's Baked Beans and Vienna Sausages. And the cookie jar was filled to the brim. Do you buy cookies if you're not feeling positive about your prospects? I'm sure he thought he'd be around a little longer, at least.
So how does it feel at the end? Is there relief? Is there regret? Those who know aren't telling. Well, at least they are not telling me.
Here is a weird thing. My sister told me that when she got home from work two days after Lew died, she had a very strange voice mail on her home phone: " It was scratchy and no one spoke for a second or so, then a very faint "hello sweetheart, I'll miss you" then scratchy then it cut out. Lew used to always greet me in writing and on the phone with "hello sweetheart" and then always ended with "I miss you'...so you can imagine the chills I got when I heard that. It was recorded at 10:40-something this morning. There was another incoming after that, so I couldn't do the *69 thing to see who it was. " When I read that, it sent chills down my spine.
I'd like to know that it is all good in the end. That loved ones are reunited and all is forgiven. That happiness predominates and there is no remorse. But there aren't any guarantees. I'll just have to make the best of death as well as life and hope that I've done well enough.
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Top-level comments on this article: (6 total)Very well written and thoughtful Dianne. I guess you are working through this death and dying thing in your own way as I did last year when my aunt suddenly passed, completely unexpected. It makes you think about your own ending and how short life really is. I could lend you one of my kids and have them ask you about a thousand questions every hour on the hour... believe me your days will feel like weeks with no end in sight!I'm eargly awaiting your next alien visit piece, but I understand you need to work through your sadness by writing so I'll say a prayer for you and remain patient. As always, thanks for your kind comments on my articles and have a super wonderful week. lolHi Myla.Thanks for reading and commenting. Uh, no thanks for the offer, though. :)I actually cracked a couple of jokes (more like murdered them) yesterday, so I know I'm starting to mend. But you know, outer space has been kind of quiet lately and the aliens are keeping a low profile. Probably waiting to see what Obama will get up to in his first few days in office.I hope you have a wonderful week too.Dianne
Hi Dianne, sudden death always reminds us of how each day is a gift and that life is short. We need to sieze every moment and do our best to be at peace with everyone. Thanks for sharing your heart. Blessings to you.Hi Teresa.I'm glad you had some time to spend with SW today. I'm going to hope that means the surgery and recovery went well. Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings. I promise that I will get off the subject of death for a while.Hugs to you and your family,Dianne
hi dianne,i had all those questions when my mom passed away twenty years ago. i answered them, for me, by reading near death experience books and those are the ones who told me.writing about your questions and pain is cathartic, and good for you to do, at least it is with me.those were really good questions.the pain will become less intense in time, but for now, i am sorry.my best to you,sueHi Sue.I think I will be done with writing about death for now. It is already getting easier. Time to start wrapping my mind around other things. And I actually made some jewelry yesterday. That tells me that I am healing ... when my creative juices get going again.Thanks so much for reading and commenting.Hugs,Dianne
Dianne that answer lies in our belief system. Who we are. What we have been taught, our indoctrinations, education, religious beliefs. As a human being we all have doubts. Yet as a Christian my faith tells me I am immortal. Where I choose to spend eternity to choice. Now the answer to that can only lie in one who seeks. Not what I or anyone tries to tell you to believe, quotes or says. Yet the answers are there for the finding. This is the true separation that we all face. Yes even those who profess to be. Best wishes on your journey for I know from your writings that the answer you will find. It starts with the heart and grows from there. My prayer for your peace.Hi Robert.Thank you for reading my article and for taking the time to share you insight with me. It is always appreciated.Dianne
Dianne, I wasn't sure I wanted to continue reading this when I started. I thought I'd wait until I was in a different mood. I didn't want, I finished and I'm happy I did. I have been missing my parents lately and didn't want to become sad. I wasn't saddened but consoled. I agree with Robert's comments. Our beliefs are what gives comfort and brings us to peaceful acceptance. It is my heart's desire for it to be alright at the end for everyone. I pray it will. Your article may assistance in helping us ensure it's alright. Thank you.Hi Avis.It's all in the little things; a word here a message there. It's the small and seemingly inconsequential things that tell us the truth. Someone once said that if you take care of all the little things, the big things will take care of themselves. I think there is truth in that, because you've done the work, prepared the ground. If I want it to be alright and work toward that, then it will be alright.I'm glad you found value in this article and I am glad that it consoled you.Thank you, Avis.Dianne
Dianne, I am talking to you out of experience...first of all, let me say, that the level of detail of your observations when you step father had passed away, was overwhelming real thoughts. I have to say that noticing the new loaf of bread, the vienna sausages, the cheese slices, and eggs, amount other this, was so considerate, and thought provoking, that it touched my heart, of a step daughter that loved, and though allot of her step father. I myself was pronounced dead, when I went in for a angiogram for a suspected problem with a blockage somewhere. I remember laying on the cold table, in a cold room, and I was literally watching the monitor of where the wire was going throughout my arteries, I could hear the surgen talking, and then I seen the wire going towards my heart...then shot the dye, and immediately, I started to fade to black, all I can remember was the doc saying "put a nitro under his tongue STAT"! Then it was a curtain call, fade to black. I don't remember a thing from those words on that day, until 4 days later on full life support, when I woke up. I didn't see anything, like life at the end of the tunnel. Wasn't my time yet, but I will say this, it was painless, didn't feel a thing, when I woke up on life support, they had performed a double by-pass on me, and the rest is history. That is why I didn't see the light, I had unfinished business, which I am still doing. So I know what you are saying about wondering what went through his mind, and I will say this, I had no plans of dying, I don't really believe that we think about it until it happens, and life is business as usual, until God shows up, and takes us away....I'm sure he is in a much happier place. Great read, wonderful write, don't think about it anymore, just remember him, and live your life like it is your last...and to the fullest. I pray that I will see my grandchildren that I love so dearly, graduate, and if I'm really good, perhaps I will see a Great Grandchild...at least one....I love to read your work, I am going to be a fan....Really , this was a thought provoking column, and I loved it. Thanks for posting it......your friend in pen....GaryHi Gary.Thank you for sharing your experience and your thoughts!I think that you are right and that we really don't think about dying until it happens. Maybe we should think about it more ... maybe then we would live our lives a little better.As Lew was getting older he would constantly tell Bernd and me to live each day as if it were our last, to always tell each other of our love and to have fun. Good advice at any time.Take care,Dianne
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