Why Lie?
Posted: Monday, April 13, 2009
by Dianne Lehmann
Artisan Jewelry from SyZyGy
A lot of things are on my mind right now, but chief among them seems to be the question, why do we lie. I bought the book, "Why We Make Mistakes," by Joseph T. Hallinan. I am about half way through it and it has been interesting, well written and enlightening. While the issue of why we lie is not a main point of Hallinan's book, he does give it more than a passing comment. But this is not the only reason the subject of lying is pertinent for me at this time.
In the case of number one, these lies are not always "intentional" and frequently we edit our memories to incorporate the little white lie into our truths about ourselves. And so the exaggeration or deletion becomes our reality because we naturally want to believe what we want to believe of ourselves. It's not necessarily that we want to believe the best of ourselves, because people can have all sorts of perverse reasons for believing ill of themselves. That would be a topic for another article.
Number two, it seems to me, is based in fear. We may tell a small lie (or a large one) in order to manipulate someone into giving us something we want or doing something for us that we need to be done that we think the person we are attempting to manipulate will not otherwise provide or perform. We fear that if we ask honestly, we or our reasons will not be good enough to get what we want.
Case in point, when I was 12 years old, I desperately wanted a pair of dressy shoes with a real high heel. To me, at that age and time, a real high heal was one that was significantly smaller where it met the ground than where it met the sole of the shoe. It did not actually have to be high, as in not over two inches.
My parents (read that my father, who had very bad flat feet) had always shod both me and my sister in saddle Oxfords with steel shank arch supports. We wore those white and black shoes no matter what the occasion. The only exception was being decked out for Easter. Then we got to wear patent leather Maryjanes. Our grandmother would buy these for my sister and I because we were too poor to afford a pair of shoes that would only be worn once (we would surely have grown out of them by next Easter, though my poor sister did get a lot of hand-me-down shoes).
When I was 12 and in the seventh grade, I was asked to be an usher at the graduation ceremony for the eighth graders. I told my parents that there was a specific dress code required to do this and that I wanted to do it. The code, I said, required high heeled shoes. This was a lie. Looking back on it, I am certain my parents knew it for a lie, but they bought me the shoes I had so desperately wanted regardless. At the time, I thought I was very clever. Now I wonder why they did it. It rewarded a lie and a very bad attempt at manipulation.
Because these sorts of lies and manipulations seem to work a fair amount of the time we are, unfortunately, encouraged to continue doing it. In the television show, "Lie to Me," on Fox, the main character asserts that we all lie all the time and I believe this to be true. And I am not leaving myself out of that statement.
Recently, I helped a friend to do something that she desperately needed to do. But instead of doing it joyfully and from a compassionate spirit, I did it grudgingly because of the way I was manipulated into doing it. I was asked if I would go with her to find something she very much needed to find. When I said yes, she sounded astounded and asked if I really meant that I would help her. I said yes for a second time. Then she dropped the bomb. It was on a very bad dirt road and I would have to drive my Jeep. While the lie was not explicit, the implication was that I would be a passenger ("go with"). Having said yes twice, I did not feel good about backing out of the agreement even though I was annoyed with the deceitful manipulation.*
If she had just said to me, "Dianne, I really need to find this thing. My best memory of where it is involves a very nasty dirt road and the top of a very high mountain. My car can't really get there and I need for you to drive me in your Jeep," I would most likely still have done it (because I knew very well how important this was to her) and felt much better about it. In her defense, she did pay for the gasoline.
To answer the question in the title, ultimately we lie to get what we want. We lie to appear better than we think we are. We lie because we don't think the truth is good enough. We lie to conceal a mistake and we lie because we fear retribution. We have a thousand "good" reasons for lying and until we stop playing games with ourselves and others, I think that this will be the norm. While I am not all together pleased with this assessment, I do not see it changing any time soon. But I have hope that someday it will.
* While letting this article "sit" for a bit, I realized that I had just committed a lie of omission that would tend to cast me in a slightly more favorable light. I neglected to also mention that I did not call my friend to task for the blatant manipulation for the additional reason that I was just too timid to do so.
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More commentsSometimes we conceal the truth not to hurt the feelings of someone whom we suspect may not able to handle the truth. Great article, Dianne. Enjoy a lie-free day or week! I'll try the same. ~mogama~Hi Mogama.Oooh boy! Don't know if I can do that. When it's just Bernd and me home for the day, no problem. But out in the world, relating to friends, I don't know.The friend that I took up onto the top of that mountain is in a fragile state of mind right now, so maybe there was some altruism in my not telling her how I truly felt about the situation. Thanks for the sop to my conscience. :)Thanks for reading and for sharing your thoughts,Dianne
I know one...well for me...if someone asks me a question like...does this make me look fat? I have to say no...even if it does, I can never say yes. I can say, hmmmm....where is that other pair of pants you had on I really really like those ones. But I can never say YES, unless maybe I was mad at them, but I don't get mad at my friends ever, just my husband and he never asks that question...LOLHi Kathy.Thanks, that helps too.I think I won't worry so much about the little white lies. I like your solution about suggesting something different. That's very diplomatic!Hugs,Dianne
Lie is a lie...white or black or grey or of any colours...Thanks for sharing it Dianne! God bless you.Hi Chiradeep.Thank you for reading and commenting.Wishing you happiness,Dianne
If a man breaks into a bank and steals a pen, is it not the same as breaking into a bank and stealing all of the money? A crime is a crime and, as stated in a comment above, a lie is a lie. We try not to lie as humans, and yet we come up with wonderful justifications when we do. We should not lie, or bear false witness, period. This is one of those things in which there is no grey area.Good article. Thank you.Hi Michael.There is not a grey area when you are considering the rightness or wrongness of it. When taking it out of the real world and putting it into the realm of thought alone, it is clear that lying at any time is wrong. I think we know this almost instinctively and yet in the real world (the world outside of our heads), things are very often grey. I think we search for justifications for being "diplomatic" because we don't want to think of ourselves as bad.One of my major disappointments in "growing up" was to discover how grey the world is. I always thought that when I grew up, things would become crystal clear and all my questions would be answered, but black and white doesn't really allow (to my way of thinking) for tolerance: what is right for me is not necessarily right for the next guy. And there are no clear answers. If we are considering lying then we also have to look at truth and, for example, a Christian's truth is far different from a Muslim's truth. And we all probably have our own definitions for what constitutes a lie.So, I guess that I have to disagree with you on this one, Michael. Though in most cases we seem to have a lot of the same ideas about things.Thanks for reading and commenting.DianneYou are so right about the 'grey world', yet we can't let the world decide what we know is right and wrong, can we? You make a great point, though. Thanks again!Hi Michael.Well, I guess we shouldn't, but very often we do. How often has a teenager used the excuse, "Well, all my friends are doing it."Thanks again, Michael, for your comments.Dianne
hi dianne,i've thought about this lying thing often.i've been told many times that fear is always the stem from which we grow. having said that, i also know that there are difficult people in this world who think one way, and if we were to tell them the truth 100 per cent of the time, there would be a lot of arguing. when we appease others, know what's right in our mind, don't hurt anyone else, in an effort to keep peace over an issue that is not important, and will keep us dwelling in negativity, then, sometimes we take the best route out, and lie. God knows we are doing so for the reasons i mentioned, and probably doesn't blame us, and may even give us a gold star for avoiding negativity and foolishness.ex: you wheel your relative into the sun room at the retirement home, and she asks if you remembered to bring her sweater? it's 87 degrees in this room, and you left her sweater behind, but she will yell and berate and degrade you if you tell her no, and cause a negative commotion in the sun room, so you just say, "yes, i l hung it up over there."no one gets hurt, no one gets inconvenienced, and you don't have to hear how stupid you are for forgetting to bring a sweater to the "sun" room! God knows what's going on, He's watching!i think motive behind the lie is crucial to whether it will sit right in your soul. ex: my cousin asks me if the wig she had to get after chemo, looks nice on her? it doesn't, it looks fake, the color doesn't match her complexion, but I don't need to blatantly make her feel embarrassed, so I could just say, "that's a nice wig, and if you'd like, we can keep looking, maybe you'll find another one you like as well. then, you can mix and match, like with outfits."you actually didn't lie, but you really didn't answer her question, either, but no feelings get hurt over something trivial in the realm of things.so, fear and motivation for the lie are what i think about.i focus on "what am i afraid of if i tell the truth?, is it worth telling, or worth keeping to myself?" and why do i feel i have to lie? to keep the peace, will it hurt someone else, will it help someone else, etc,and i talk to God about what i am thinking, and ask for His guidance, because i don't have the answer on my own.i hope this ramble helped some.all my best to you,sueHi Sue.It certainly did help and thank you so much. It's been on my mind that the intent behind the lie is the key and you have expressed what I couldn't seem to say very well.Whenever anyone asks me what I think my purpose in life is, I usually answer with something like: To find as much happiness for myself and increase the total happiness in the universe while doing the least harm possible. Doing the least harm possible at all times seemed to be at odds with always telling the absolute truth. Therein lay my dilemma.I've certainly received a lot of good comments on my article, but yours has helped me the most.Hugs,Diannei'm glad kiddo....motive is pretty much paramount to a good foundation,my best to you,sue
As was stated above by Chiradeep - The Candles, A lie IS a lie. Deceptive motivations aside and there are plenty of them, lying can be an absolute waste of words and time. If you are cheating on someone who loves you and lying to them about it you are wasting your time and theirs and that’s just plain wrong.ON the other hand, no need to walk up to an ugly person and say, “You are really ugly”. But if the ugly person asks you, wouldn’t it be better to tell them that they are just not your type? That would be the truth, wouldn’t it?Lying is for lazy, easily frightened people who have little respect for others and no respect for their own personal behavior or in the things they say and do.Hi Donald.Your solution (you are not my type) is a good one and I wish I were that quick or clever. I suppose it might be argued that it takes more thought to concoct a lie than it does to tell the truth, but I'm just not that quick witted. And I've met many other people who are also not so. Sounds like a cheap out, doesn't it."Lying is for lazy, easily frightened people who have little respect for others and no respect for their own personal behavior or in the things they say and do." That one really holds us to a very high standard. I just don't believe that kind of perfection is possible. I do have respect for others and for my own personal behavior, but I am not always equal to the task. And I am the first to admit to being fearful; it is the basis of my inherent shyness in social situations ... which is most of life if you really think about it.I greatly appreciate the time you have taken to read my article and give me your comment. I value your opinion even if I might be at odds with it.Dianne
Hi Diane,Thank you for your interest in my writing. I think you would need to know a bit about me to better understand my thoughts on lying. That said, my stand on this issue of deception comes less from being "quick and clever" and more from being almost 60 years old, having been around that awful block a few times with my eyes wide open and paying attention to the trip. Most people don’t learn from that trip as you recognized, and that is just natural. I have been a liar and the one lied to. I have seen the effects of lying, both on myself and on others and for some reason lying has become an issue with me as it seems to have become with you. Makes me wonder about what your “cost of lying” has been. I could write a small epistle on this subject but leave it to say that, (I think), lying is good if it is used to help save a life. As an example, Somalia’s pirates needed to be lied to by the ships crew. On the other hand, lying in any relationship be it personal, professional or work related is just a cowardly way of avoiding consequence and wasting everyone’s time.Here’s a personal story worth telling as a sort of wake up call to anyone interested.When I was 35 years old my wife and I were seeing a marriage counselor. His name was Dr. Jack Pasco. His office was in Anaheim California. I will always remember his name and the earth shaking lesson I learned from him. My wife and I were having marital problems and I had justified seeing “someone” on the side. During a one on one visit, Dr. Pascoe asked me if I had told my wife about the other woman. With my I know better than you voice I answered him something like “are you kidding”! The Doctor’s response to my answer truly rocked my world with its simple, straight forward approach. Here is all he said… “Don ~ are you coming here just to waste our time and your money”? Woah!Maybe later we can discuss “inherent shyness”, its relationship to self centeredness and how you can dump that shy trait by learning that you aren’t always at the center of everyone’s attention even though you may think so.Hi Donald.I'll respond to the shyness thing first; primarily because it is a constant issue for me. I absolutely do not think that I am at the center of everyone's universe or that they pay more attention to me than most. My shyness centers around not wanting to give offense and wanting to be liked. My worry is that I will do or say something inappropriate that will cause discord or outright animosity.Well, guess what, I will be 57 this August and I've been around the block a couple of times and I know for a fact that there is no way I can avoid occasionally giving offense and yet it still concerns me; though not as much as it did when I was younger. When I had my 50th birthday, my husband told me that I had to practice being more curmudgeonly and not worry so much what people think. I've been working on it.My cost of lying has several sources, really. I do not feel good about myself when I have lied. Which is why the "high standard" comment came out of me. It is one of my hot buttons. Frankly, a great deal of my lies are diplomatic. But I have a friend right now, who is lying to people right and left when it really isn't necessary and I see the bigger mess that it is helping to make of her life.And as you noted with the Somali pirate example, some lies do serve a greater purpose than to just get us out of doing something we don't want to do (I could be much better at saying "no" than I am). Unless I am reading the bulk of the comments incorrectly, the consensus seems to be that "white lies" are perfectly acceptable. I'm going to go with that for now. And as Sue Thom pointed out, I know what the intent of my heart is and whether it is good or bad. And I can honestly say that it is never bad.I thank you for your continued dialog on this topic.Dianne
Diane,Yes, lying has so many shades. There is the outright lie, lie of omission, commission, white lie, little lie, big lie, even the big fat lie. But any time we hold back, alter, ignore or downright change the truth, it's a lie. But I think the main reason people do is is just plane and simple, because they can.In order to stop all the lying, there has to be a payoff, something big, or at least bigger than us that will motivate us to do so. We are admonished by the leaders of our church to not lie in the least, for if you begin down the path, even if it's a half step, it can lead to bigger lies all the way up to the biggest lies. But it certainly is difficult to do, especially in today's culture. For example, President Carter had a difficult time as president for he didn't play the game or get into the lie and deceit of politics. But for everyone I think there has to be a greater purpose for not lying, for not doing so for any other reason is difficult if not impossible.Then there is the rationalization aspect of lying. I once asked my students what they thought stealing was--a form of lying. I gave them three scenarios: one, they found $20 in their friend's backyard; they found $20 in the back of Blocbusters; they found a roll of $60 roll of singles at 2 a.m. while waiting for the taxi at the airport. The answers given were various.Some said they would give the money to their friend if it was obvious the money didn't just float in the back yard from somewhere else (not sure how they were going to prove that), that it was OK to take the money at Blockbusters because even if you brought it to the cashier he would probably just keep it himself anyway, and most kept the money at the airport because it would be taken by someone eventually and why risk missing your ride by giving the money to an airport authority.I told my students that any time you take anything without the authority of the original owner it was stealing, and that they all were stealing. Lots of groaning and rationalizing after that comment. But I told them no one was judging them, I was merely reading the definition, so why were they getting upset.But if we want to feel best about ourselves, the best thing to do is to tell the truth often. It really comes down to practice. I'm much better at it now than I was 20 years ago, but it's still difficult, especially when my wife has put on a few pounds and she says, "Do I look fat to you?"Hi Jeff.I would tend to agree with you that stealing is lying. It's us telling us we have a right to whatever we are taking and in that we are lying to ourselves. And I would have to guess that your students were upset because they were just shown the hard "truth" about themselves. As I've said, we all want to believe what we want to believe about ourselves. I'm constantly amazed at the 56 year old woman who looks back at me out of the mirror. :)Thank you for your thoughts. I'll see if I can be more creative; work a bit on eliminating white lies from my repertoire. But don't hold your breath.With best regards,Dianne
When I lie it is usually because of self centered fear and I am trying to protect my ego, I call my ego Queen Baby. I think a lie is still a lie no matter what excuse I make. I strive for perfection and to be a better person on a daily basis and it sounds like you do too, but thank God we have a loving God who knew we would never achieve that perfection and so He gave us His son, who was the only perfect person ever, to die on the cross for our sins, and isn't it nice to know God will forgive us of our sins when we ask.Thank you for a though provoking article.Linda DHi Linda.Wow! I never thought about giving my ego a name. I'm going to have to think about it. Yours is great.Aside from that, I thank you for your thoughts.Shine on,Dianne
I lie all the time, nothing wrong with it.Hi Anonymous.Well, thanks for reading my article and sharing your thoughts.Dianne
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