Sacrifice, Accolades and Selfishness
Posted: Monday, October 12, 2009
by Dianne Lehmann
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My mother was a martyr. I think that's the correct word for it. She was always putting herself out for others and complaining of it. It irked her when her sacrifices went unnoticed. She would let it sit and stew and boil until it built up so much pressure that it would explode. We would all be aghast and upset when she started breaking dishes on the concrete floor of the garage or charged out of the house and up the street. We didn't know how to cope with this otherwise sensible and easy-going woman who was vehemently certain that no one appreciated her. We didn't understand.
My mother was not a bad person, she was actually a very good person by most standards and I loved her dearly, more than words can express. She took good care of my sister and me and did her best in all ways. She was just confused about sacrifice and its reward.
In my opinion, sacrifice should never be rewarded. I think sacrifice is a dirty word. But that could just be because I saw what it did to my mother. It's made a mess of other friends' lives as well not all of them female, though I do think we have something close to a monopoly on sacrifice.
Some people might think this is right or the way it should be; that we always put the needs of others before our own needs, that we take care of others before taking care of ourselves. And in some situations this might be warranted, but consider that when an aircraft depressurizes you are instructed to put the oxygen mask on yourself first. So I ask you this, how well able will you be to take care of others if you are run down, burned out and in need of significant care yourself or low on oxygen as in the aircraft example? How much fun are you to be around when you've neglected your own needs for so long that you are finally at the end of you tolerance?
Why sacrifice yourself at all? Was it absolutely necessary for my mother to put her needs and wants and desires on the back burner for the sake of her family? I have to think that it wasn't. I think she got something, some kind of mental pat on the back out of being able to say to herself, "See what a good person I am, I put others ahead of myself always."
Human beings are complex animals. You can't point to any one thing as the cause of trouble in a human's life. It's a mix of this, a bit of that, with a lot of confusion tossed in just to keep it interesting. I don't know about others and their sacrifice, but I think my mother found little else in her life to feel good about. I think she was seriously lacking in self-esteem and I think that many people's ills can be traced to this.
If you are going to sacrifice yourself, you should do so with the knowledge of what you are doing, what it will cost you, and not expect any sort of recompense for the deed. The doing of it should be the reward. It should be because a thing needs doing and there is no other way or anyone else to do it.
But ultimately, I think there has to be a semi-balance between sacrifice and selfishness (selfishness is not a dirty word), leaning more in your favor toward selfishness. If you put yourself out for every little thing, pretty soon you've put yourself out so much and so often that you have nothing left to give. Sacrifice is noble when done well, so go ahead and do it. Just be certain to balance it with a hefty dose of selfishness as well.
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Top-level comments on this article: (7 total)hi dianne,this was an excellent article, nostalgia and truth!you are a versatile writer-you write about all kinds of things, and that's really good.i can tell you this, i understand every word you said, i've been guilty of it myself for years, until i learned in the the 12 step program, when i got my first year coin: To thine own self be true.i didn't understand it at first, coming from the same place you were talking about-woudn't that make me selfish?but, i was taught that if you don't take care of yourself, nobody will, and you need to focus on your needs, whether it's an afternoon nap, or a glass of wine-sike, i miss a glass of wine, but it doesn't miss me.a walk in the woods, a ride on a bike, drawing on canvas-whatever makes your juices flow, you are responsible to do. for yourself, and for others. taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for anybody, and allows you to help others when they are in need.my best to you,sueHi Sue."taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for anybody, ... "When I first came to that realization, I thought it was so selfish. But then I realized the truth of it. Doesn't mean I've always done a good job of taking care of myself. But as I've gotten older, I've learned just how really important it is and am doing a much better job.Not only do you have to take care of yourself, you are the one who ultimately knows how to do it best. Although, if you've read Camille Strate's latest article, it's clear that not everyone knows what they really need and try to get others to take care of them instead.Thank you, Sue, for your thoughts and for taking the time to share them with me.Be well, be happy and let the light shine from within,Dianne
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I agree with you totally.Linda DHi Linda.I have a feeling that many women will agree. Thank you for reading my article and taking the time to let me know that you did.Dianne
I think as women and mothers, the needs of our family and friends are always at the top of our priority list. It's our nature. But you're right when you say we have to take care of ourselves in order to take care of others. I also agree that if you choose to make sacrafices, you do so because you want to, and not for the praise it brings you. There's nothing worse than having someone do something for you only to have them remind you over and over about it. I think your mother had good intentions, but was overwhelmed and probably had some self-esteem issues as you suggest. This was very well written Dianne. I appreciate what it took for you to share something so personal with us.Hi Brianna.Obviously, there are articles that are easy to write and submit. This was easy to write (seemed to write itself), but not so easy to submit ... you are correct ... it is very personal.Thank you for your thoughts and thanks for reading.Dianne
OUTSTANDING piece, Dianne. Agreed...on all counts. Especially "selfish is not a dirty word". I've found that 'sacrifice' is anything but when we do things for others because we WANT to, as opposed to keeping score and waiting for our 'just reward'. Why bother?Good to see you got it without having to live it.Brava!Camille.That whole keeping score thing makes me hot under the collar. When I do something for someone, it is because I want to, not because I expect anything in return. Aargh! But that doesn't mean that I didn't live it a bit at one time. We live and learn.Thanks for reading and all that.Hugs,Dianne
Good stuff here, Dianne.One should do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. When you "sacrifice" expecting something in return, even if it's just an "attaboy," then it is a transaction and not a sacrifice.Again, GREAT stuff here!Hi Ken.I hadn't thought about it in quite that way. I think you are right to call it a "transaction." Interesting thought.Thanks for stopping by,Dianne
Hi Dianne, good points. I think it all comes down to motive behind why we do what we do for others. If if comes from the need for acceptance and to make ourselves feel good, then we will be left disappointed. Sacrifice is just that, by its own definition it should require nothing in return, it is an offering for the sake of another motivated by love. I think you are right about your mom - a good woman for sure, but her insecurities got the best of her. I think this is the root of all do for others for the sake of being praised. Great write with much heart. Thanks! TeresaHi Teresa.I'd have to agree that it's all in the motive. And as for personal insecurities ... I don't even want to go there. I think they're the bane of us all ... as you wrote.Thanks for reading this and commenting. I hope that everything is well with you and your family!Hugs,Dianne
Hi Dianne,
This is great and I agree with you wholeheartedly. Hanging on a wall in front of me is an affirmation that reads: "I put my attention on the quality of my personal health. I build upon my greatest wealth by doing so."
I am not at it 100 per cent but so much better than I used to be. This article will help me even more. Thank you for it!
Hugs,
AvisHi Avis.I'm always most happy when something I've written is helpful. And that is a wonderful affirmation. Thanks for sharing it.Big hugs back at you,DianneUnfortunately, the term sacrifice "to make holy" is a transactional process. It's what it means in religious, culturaly, social and political jargon for at least 4000 years. What you are talking about is "victimizing" and that's not sacrifice, though it's very frequently one of the steps involved in sacrifice. A sacrifice is an understood contract between party A (who will offer something) to party B (who will accept the sacrifice or break the contract and walk away: as is shown when God wouldn't accept Cain's sacrifice in Genesis). A gives soemthing they value to B SO THAT they will receive something they value more in return. For ancient pagans, it was done so the gods wouldn't kill them, today, we sacrifice an out in baseball to advanc ea runner, we might sacrifice candy for lent if we're Catholic...it's always a transaction, and there is always something expected in return...but NEVER in victimization: that's when party A offers party C in sacrifice to party B: party C has been victimized (generally unwillingly, too)Hi Rox Runner.Thanks for the Biblical clarification. But, in my opinion, religious sorts (of which my mom was one) and baseball teams do not have a lock on sacrifice. Mom valued the praise very highly. That was the problem.I do thank you for reading and for taking the time to add your comment. And I do understand your point about victimization. People are perfectly capable of making victims of themselves (no third party involvement required) and do so quite frequently. Behavioral psychology talks about this aberration in depth.Again thanks,Dianne
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