Expressing Compassion: is it Only About the Recipient?
Posted: Monday, December 07, 2009
by Dianne Lehmann
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What is compassion? The consensus seems to be that it is a deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve the suffering. I believe that when we are moved to feel compassion in a particular situation, it is the result of empathy. So what is empathy?
The word empathy literally translates as "in feeling." Empathy seems to be a concept (not all concepts are rooted in reality, for example the concept of security; my particular take is that there is no such thing as security) with a broad range of definitions: feeling a concern for other people that creates a desire to help them (compassion?); experiencing emotions that match another's emotions; knowing what another being is thinking or feeling; and blurring the line between self and other. But what it all seems to boil down to is the capacity to share another being's emotions and feelings.
Obviously (or possibly not so obviously), whatever aid we might render will benefit the individual, but I believe that is not the reason we are moved to compassion. I believe the expression of compassion frequently benefits the expresser more than the recipient.
I'm not outright saying that humans can not, by nature, be altruistic, but I believe we are more often more self-serving than not. And it can not be denied that one creates a good feeling about oneself by helping another in need. We all want to feel good about ourselves, don't we?
On whom do we bestow our compassion? On whom should we? I used the example of the homeless person on purpose. Also, I am reminded of the multi-panel cartoon I once saw of a Boy Scout attempting to help an old woman across the street. She had been standing at an intersection and looking across for a while when the boy practically dragged her to the other side whereupon she hit him over the head with her purse. She didn't want to cross the street, she was just resting. And it just might be that the homeless person is in exactly the position he/she wishes to be (homeless children would be an exception; they don't often have a choice in the matter). Some homeless individuals are in that position because they can not deal with the demands our society places on someone in order that they might own a home, have access to transportation, keep a job, and all the rest. So while we might imagine that we know what they are feeling or thinking, we may not. In fact, we probably do not really have a clue. When you start bestowing your desire upon another without first finding out what they actually want or need, that's no longer compassion, it is tyranny.
Does this mean that we should not feel compassion and express it? No. I think that compassion and empathy and their expression are central to being human. Am I saying I don't think compassion is good? No, I think it is necessary. But as much as we might feel that what we imagine another person is feeling or thinking is accurate, we should never kid ourselves that this is so.
I don't think that it could ever hurt to give a homeless person a sandwich or a warm coat that you no longer need and forcefully transporting one to a shelter might not be met with a sharp rap to the nose. I'm just saying that we shouldn't simply go for the "feel good" from helping someone in need. Compassion is great. I'm all for it. But like anything else we do, it needs to be applied intelligently. If not, then the expresser of compassion is the only real beneficiary. Shouldn't it be both?
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Top-level comments on this article: (6 total)EXCELLENT article, Dianne. Something most of us would do well to examine in ourselves.Hi Joyce.Thanks so much! And thank you for taking the time to comment.In joy and peace,Dianne
Hi Dianne, very well said. I've missed you much. I actually had a dream about you last night. ha!! We were on vacation and we met up on a beach somewhere. How fun is that?!Hi Teresa.That sounds heavenly! We've had cold weather and snow and rain so a beach somewhere sounds great.I hope that all is well with you and yours! We'll have to catch up soon.Hugs,Dianne
Nice. I wonder how many of those who give to a myriad of charities do so to 'feel good' (or tax breaks) as opposed to feeling true compassion? The recipient should be the reason, not the result. Very well done.Hi Michael.I'm sure there is some true compassion in there, but I still think that the good feeling one gets is the biggest motivator. Does that make me cynical? And does compassion have to be "true?" I mean, as long as it gets done ... properly meeting needs ... isn't that good enough?I've often said that I write in order to figure out how I feel about things. This seems to be a big question for me. I volunteer time to help a woman who rescues more horses than she has time for. But for sure, I get a really good feeling from doing it. Not just the work, but the time spent with the horses is precious to me. I've told her that I think I get more from the relationship. She maintains that the horses benefit more.Anyway, this is just one of my many questions. Thank you, Michael, for reading and taking the time to comment.In joy and peace,Dianne
Dianne, very good article. I particularly like your concluding remarks that compassion should be applied intelligently and should result in both the sender and recipient feeling good about themselves.Hi Deana.Well, thank you, and it's what I believe.Thanks for taking the time to read and to comment.Dianne
Wow- Dianne, I never thought about a possible connection between tyranny and compassion. Food for thought. Good article!Hi Lorrie.It just seems to me that any time you enforce your will on someone without knowing what they really want, you are being tyrannical.Thanks for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it.My best to you,Dianne
I really enjoyed your article. Yes it is true doing something for others makes us feel good but we do need to realize what our motives are and not force our will on others.Hi Linda.Thank you for reading my article and taking the time to comment on it. I am glad that you enjoyed it.My best to you,Dianne
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