Making Comparisons, Happiness, and the Problems Inherent to Competition
Posted: Monday, December 28, 2009
by Dianne Lehmann
Artisan Jewelry from SyZyGy
His Holiness, the Dalai Lama maintains that the purpose in living is to seek happiness. Furthermore, he makes a distinction between happiness and pleasure. It's been said that if you are having trouble making a decision about a particular course of action, you should ask yourself, "Will this make me happy; will it increase my happiness?" To answer that question, you have to understand the difference between happiness and pleasure.
We are constantly bombarded by messages encouraging us to always want something more. I suppose it is the result of having an economy as driven by consumerism as ours is. If your idea of pleasure is to always own a bright and shiny, brand new car, when you car is not so new anymore, your pleasure will fade, at some point you become dissatisfied with your not-so-new-anymore car and you experience unhappiness. I knew someone once who bought a brand new Cadillac every year. Eventually it undid him financially. It may have created pleasure in the short term, but I'm sure it did nothing to increase his long term happiness. I also once knew a compulsive gambler. He loved the rush of wagering large sums and winning big. The problem was that almost never happened. Gambling was pleasurable for him and he couldn't quit. He lost everything and was very unhappy.
When we compare ourselves and our lives to others, we run the risk of disappointment. It is difficult to be happy when disappointed, especially if we are disappointed frequently. And we don't even compare ourselves only to others in our peer group where, perhaps, what they have or have achieved is possible for us to achieve. No, we often look at entertainment and sports celebrities and want what they have. We envy them their success, renown, and wealth and become unhappy with our lives.
There is no way the average male can compete with a young, fit, major league baseball player, for example, in terms of fame and income. There is no way the average female can compete with a super model. Yet we compare our lives to others and come up wanting. How smart is that?
I believe that competition, whether it is a "friendly" billiards match or a serious professional basketball game with big bucks hanging on the outcome is just another way of making comparisons; it's called keeping score. The "winner" gets to feel the pleasure of triumph and the "loser" gets to wish they had won. I think that competition is a real obstacle to happiness. Whenever we compete for something, there will be a winner and a loser. The winner feels good, but the feeling doesn't last and there is always the real possibility of losing the next time around. When you are on top, there is a lot of stress associated with trying to stay there. I have never in my life been happy when I have been stressed. I feel a great deal of stress and pressure to do well or better when scores are being kept whether it is a game or a test. I am happiest and least stressed when playing a game simply for the joy of playing it or learning something simply because I want to. Pressure to do well compared to others leads, for me, to a great deal of unhappiness.
So you might ask, what is the point of playing games if score is not kept and a winner and a loser is not determined. We call it "playing a game" for a reason play. Play is fun, it is pleasurable and it doesn't interfere with our overall happiness. We do it for the fun of it. My husband, Bernd, and I play a lot of ping pong. We don't keep score. We don't keep any kind of track of who might be playing better than the other. We do try to mess each other up, but when one of us manages it, we laugh and feel joy for the one who pulled off the trick shot, the slick spin or the unsuspected maneuver. Playing ping pong in this way, with no care for who might be better, actually increases our overall happiness.
We "keep score" in all sorts of ways. It can be something as seemingly innocuous as who, among a circle of friends, can find the best bargains on designer clothing. I can't help but wonder if there wouldn't be a whole lot more happiness in the world if we all just stopped keeping score, competing with one another, and comparing ourselves to others. I think it would be wonderful if we could all find it within ourselves to be happy with the way we are and rejoice in the achievements of others. But keeping score seems to be deeply entrenched within our society. My hope is that by increasing awareness of its ubiquitousness and the impediment to happiness that it represents, we can start to question its value and make some positive changes in our lives. I'm certainly going to give it a try.
This Article has been viewed 1,609 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (7 total)FANTASTIC article, Dianne. Needs to be required reading for...just about everyone. :)You'll definitely have a wonderful New Year with the attitude you have.Hi Joyce.Thanks so much! That's high praise indeed. Does that mean I scored a good one? :) Bad me. :)Happy New Year,DianneI haven't read anything of yours that comes close to being "bad." :)Thanks! Actually, I was trying to make a joke ... using the word score ... but I've never been very good at jokes. :) People usually shake their heads when I try to explain them. Best to stick to what I know, hunh?
hi dianne,you were in the zone with this article. i feel the same way about competition. i would feel so bad when my kids were small and didn't make a basket, or get a hit in baseball. but, i guess they learned how to balance the good with the bad, and happy with the sad. as for me, i want no part of it.this was a good article.thanks for sharing,my best,sueHi Sue.I suppose sports and keeping score do serve a purpose, like for your kids, they teach you how to handle disappointment. Even so, I still think we'd be better off not making those kinds of comparisons. There are better ways to learn those kinds of lessons.Whenever I watch a competition of some sort, I always want everyone to win ... can't happen. Probably die-hard sports fans would have a fit if we stopped keeping score and baseball, football and all those other balls would have no purpose. :)Thanks for reading and I hope the new year is filled with only good things for you and your family.Dianne
Great article. I believe happiness is an inside job. Thank you for sharing.Hi I or is it L.You are so right about it being an inside job. Thank you for reading and for taking the time to comment.Happy New Year,Dianne
Great article Dianne. A message from Innerspace?
Have a great New Year and keep those insights coming. Insights gravitate toward a non thinking, non competitive empty mind.
Best..............eHi e.Innerspace? Yeah, most likely. But sometimes I wonder where the thoughts I have come from. They seem to come out of the blue sometimes and that's why I named my column that way. I'll take the insights wherever they spring from; I'm not fussy.I hope you have a great New Year also.Peach, love and happiness,Dianne
Good article Dianne, have a happy New YearHi David.Thanks and I hope you have a happy New Year too!Dianne
Dianne, I loved your article. I always say what gives you pleasure today will make you cry tomorrow. Proven by me. Love your jewelry as well.
Hi Harriette.I've never heard that said before, but I think it might be right. Thanks for looking at our jewelry.Thanks also for reading and commenting.Happy New Year,Dianne
After reading your thoughts I am reminded that you yourself seem to be a piece of chocolate cake eaten while in a warm bath on a cold night, an experience of both pleasure AND happiness!Hi Paul.Does my husband need to worry? :)That's awfully sweet of you to say. You've made me smile.Thanks so much,DianneYou are a light in a darkness; I much look forward to reading your writings!
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.