How To Know when Enough is Enough and when Enough is too Much
Posted: Monday, January 18, 2010
by Dianne Lehmann
Artisan Jewelry from SyZyGy
I'm not talking about the "War on Terror" or the brouhaha over health care reform and such things. I'm talking about the little things we have to deal with on a daily basis in our very personal lives. The pebbles, rocks and boulders that line our path and hurt our figurative feet or make us stumble; the things we have to make big detours around. You know, your hours at work are cut back (ouch!), your girlfriend dumps you (okay, pick yourself up and move on), your car breaks down (man, that is so not what I wanted to spend that money on right now); those sorts of things. If you find yourself feeling frazzled and at the end of your rope and you don't really know the cause, the following reasons might be why.
Everyone has expectations. You have them. Your boss has them. Your significant other has them. We should do away with expectations.
Basically, an expectation is a prediction about the future. Your boss expects you to make X number of sales or bring in X number of dollars per sale. But you can't make people spend money they don't have or sell anything to non-existent customers, so you don't meet his/her expectations. Grief results. Your girlfriend expects you to remember the day you two met and exactly what she was wearing. You can't and grief results.
We can not truly predict the future and our best efforts often go for naught. The best thing would be to inhabit the NOW and not try to predict the future or dictate behavior (our own or others) based on expectations. My mom used to say (but didn't really live it), "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."
This is also true for the example I gave above of the car that breaks down necessitating that money saved for a trip (for example) be spent to fix the car instead. By remaining open and adaptable to life's twist and turns, you can eliminate a lot of the stress. Recently, I had the notion that I would be able to spend the entire day with a friend, doing together the things we both loved to do. She had a change of plan and so I changed mine. There was a very brief moment (I'm so not perfect) of disappointment, but I went on to have a very nice day on my own. Understand that I think it is fine to make plans. Plans are different from expectations and without plans nothing would get done. Do accept, though, that they may change.
So if unrealistic demands are being made of your and your resources (either by you or an outside source), look at the situation as dispassionately as you can and ask yourself the Dr. Phil question: how is that working for you? If is isn't working, sit down and realistically look at what needs to change so that enough does not become too much. It can be painful and difficult sometimes to make changes, but continuing in a dysfunctional situation is not healthy in the long run.
Perfection at its Worst
Nothing is or ever can be perfect except for, as some would say, God's Love. Give up looking for the perfect anything. Looking for perfection in anything is just too much to ask.
This isn't a sad thing really. It doesn't mean that you need to "settle" for something undesirable. It's just that maybe your ideal picture of the way things should be might not be reasonable. Harkens back to expectations, I know. Personally, I believe expectations are the biggest impediment to happiness, but I'm breaking it down a little further. And anyway, stopping after those first few paragraphs just isn't like me. I tend to beat things to death.
Two other girlfriends and I were sitting having a chat one day. Of the three of us, two were married and one was not. The unmarried friend was lamenting her status. This was many years ago at a time when a woman still needed to be married for whatever reason. I'm dating myself and this was truer for my mother's generation than mine still. Both I and the other married woman answered at the same time in the same way, the unmarried woman's question of why she couldn't find a guy with, "Don't be so picky." Her reply was, "But " In all the time we kept in touch, she never found a guy that measured up.
Security is a Myth
And the sooner you get down with that notion, the happier you will be. All of the frazzle over income, jobs, health, relationships, et cetera will just drop away. Okay, maybe not all, but it will help.
I'm a mostly rehabilitated security freak. I could never save enough money. I worried about my health and my husband's. I was miserable most of the time living in the future of "what if." Preparation and planning is one thing. Emotionally investing them with the ability to protect you from harm is another thing altogether. Stuff just happens despite our desires or plans. Learn to be comfortable with uncertainty and life will be much more peaceful. I'm working on it.
You can work out, eat right, get plenty of sleep and still develop a serious illness. You can have a million dollars in the bank and think you are set for the rest of your life and die in a car accident tomorrow (well, I guess that then you were, technically, set for life; maybe I need a better example).
Do you get the connection here? It's not so much outside forces that are the problem. You know, a driver cuts you off in traffic or your mother-in-law tells you that you're a terrible mother. There will always be outside forces. No, it's how you react to the external situations of your life that matters most.
So, how do you know when enough is enough? It's pretty simple really and you probably already know the answer. It's when you find yourself saying that you don't think you can take anymore. If you find yourself saying that if one more stupid thing happens, that will be it, then you've had enough. When is enough too much? It's when things have gone so far that you can't seem to see a way out of it. That's when you need to make a change. I believe that at that point, taking a look at your expectations about your life will help tremendously. It has for me.
This Article has been viewed 1,462 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (9 total)Some people live their lives by:" Ke Sera Sera- whatever will be, will be."Others prefer a more controlled journey. In order to have any modicum of control over the present and the future, we must remember the past; and frequently look back to see which ideas and methods were successfully born out by time and experience, and which were a failure and why.A younger person, who doesn't yet have a vast collection of experiences, may do well to reflect on the experiences and lessons learned by older people.It seems wisdom comes to us when it can only be used as a legacy to the next generation. If each of us would partake of this legacy in our own time, perhaps our lives would be less difficult and cluttered with obstacles and failures. But it would seem that most of us are beset with the notion of learning things the hard way.To not have expectations in life, seems to me, like unto not having hope, and without hopes and dreams, we cannot live. We rather may have need to realize and accept that we may not be able to achieve those expectations and goals.This reminds me of the parable of the man who refused the crumbs that were offered, because he couldn't have the whole loaf, and therefore starved to death. I guess we have to take whatever we're able to gain and achieve and make it be enough. Thought provoking article- Thanks- Always- EllaHi Ella.I had a long conversation some time ago with a friend about just that very issue of hope and expectation. He couldn't separate the two and I'm aware that not everyone will share my concept of the two words. Plans for the future are in a way like expectations of the future, but I think that plans and hope are actually necessary; whereas expectations mostly just get in the way of a peaceful life.I have no argument with hope and actually none with expectation either and long as you go into the whole thing with your eyes open and a willingness to accept things as they really are and not solely as you think they should be. And as I mentioned to Fran above, I probably should have modified expectations with the word unreasonable.I'm not really a que-sera-sera kind of person. I like order and precision and the illusion of security and all the rest, but I acknowledge that is not always possible and I don't expect the universe or anyone to accommodate me.You gave me a lot more to think about. I looked again at what I wrote and still think that it is the best truth for me. So, thanks for commenting.Dianne
Really, really great article, Dianne. Even tho I KNOW that living in the 'now' brings the most peace and happiness, I very often find it difficult to do.Hi Joyce.Oh boy! Talk about difficult. It gives me the most trouble when I'm lying in bed, wide awake when I'd rather be sleeping, thinking about everything I need to accomplish tomorrow. What I wouldn't give for a big dose of NOW right then.I'll just keep working at it. It gets a little easier all the time.Peace and happiness to you, and thanks for reading!Dianne
I've realized dwelling on all the 'what if's' in life can kill you. You can do everything right and that doesn't guarantee you a happy ending. One day at a time, go with the flow, try to keep smiling even on the bad days. Notice I said 'try', sometimes it's easier said than done. I enjoyed your article Dianne.Hi Brianna.Wow. You summed it all up in just a couple of words. I'm with you all the way on what you wrote.Thanks for reading my article and for commenting on it.Happiness to you,Dianne
Thanks for this welcome return to common sense!Hi Ada.It feels like common sense to me, but I think that it isn't so common. I see so many people banging their heads against the figurative wall of their expectations, that I start to get a headache. :) I figure I allowed to say this because I'm a reformed "expectationer."You are most welcome, Ada, and thank you for taking the time to comment.Dianne
Great article DianneHi Jonathan.Thank you so much. And thank you for reading and commenting.Dianne
hi diane,very true article.i've had a lot of "enough" days in the past few years. i just had to absorb it and try to move forward in a positive direction. it may leave a bad taste in one's mouth, but at least we have a mouth to taste.thanks for sharing,my best,sueHi Sue.I can well imagine. Life has thrown you some whoppers, that's for sure. It takes a lot of strength of character to keep picking yourself up and moving forward. You've got that.Thanks for reading and I hope this new year is off to a good start!Hugs,Dianne
Good advice and a great article. At first I thought you were sounding a little pessimistic, but when I reread it I came away thinking you were just being honest. This is the best kind of writing. Again, well done!Hi Michael.I flirt with pessimism from time to time, but we've never really had much of a relationship. I do prefer to think of myself as realistic. Also, I write to inform myself about myself. It helps me to figure out how I feel about things. Readers' comments often help me to refine that.Thanks for the praise and thanks for taking your time to look at my article.Take care and be happy,Dianne
Dianne,Your article is right on target. As a mom, I learned this lesson from my youngest son when I was tormented by the actions of an alcoholic-drug addicted daughter. When I blamed myself again and again, my son kept pounding into my head "don't have expectations because you will always be disappointed and hurt. She will get clean and sober or she won't. You can be supportive and loving but don't have expectations." You set yourself up for a lot of pain when you fall into this trap. You control you and no one else.Great article.MelHi Mel.Luckily for me, I've learned these lessons in less stressful ways than you have had to. But the important thing is that we learn them.Thanks for reading and commenting. And a big thank you for joining my fan club.Dianne
Thanks for a wise and entertaining read.Hi Carol.And thank you for reading it and commenting.Dianne
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.