The Proper Protective Gear
Posted: Monday, May 03, 2010
by Dianne Lehmann
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Who hasn't had the experience of opening a brand new plastic bottle of water and finding it closed so tightly that it is slightly painful to open and so effectively you can not open it? Then you take up a bit of fabric, maybe your shirt tail or a napkin, and it opens so easily you wonder what the difficulty was.
The other day, my husband and I decided one of the cotoneaster plants in our front yard had gotten out of hand. Some grow slower than others. This is not one of those. This one grows like a weed. While I was parting the branches to peer inside to be certain that quail were not nesting in there before we cut it back to a nubbin, the plant poked my hand and I yelped. Later, no quails in residence, as we were dismantling the robust plant, I wore work gloves. I didn't get one single poke. I grabbed branches as I was cutting them and pulled that plant apart with my hands. No pain whatsoever.
The point is, without the proper protective gear we can not apply ourselves or our strength with the most efficiency. Without the work gloves, I could not have pulled as vigorously or even grabbed that plant as tightly as I did. The pain and possible injury would have limited me. I have the strength but not the toughness.
This is true not only for our physical existence. It is true for our mental and spiritual selves as well.
Over the years, we have determined that my husband, Bernd, is very sensitive to and easily affected by the emotions of others. We've read all sorts of books and articles about personal boundaries to no avail. He just soaks up the prevailing mood and makes it his own. He'd rather not do that sometimes as the mood isn't always pleasant; for example, working in the WalMart Vision Center during the Christmas shopping season. Short of going through the rest of his life in an aluminum foil hat, we don't really know what to do. He could really use some sort of protective gear for the psyche.
I've known Bernd since September of 1970 and we have been married since August of 1975. It wasn't until we had been married for about 18 years that we finally figured out that he was manic depressive. I think one of the reasons it was so difficult to diagnose is that he spent 98% of the time in the depressive phase. On the rare occasion that he was manic, I didn't have a clue what the heck was going on.
In all that time, I had to learn to cope with a man who was mostly miserable all the time. If I let his mood affect me, I would have been a right mess myself. Somehow, somewhere in all of that, I developed the proper protective gear for my psyche. In the process, I did not lose my compassion or empathy. I just don't let the moods of others become my mood.
Because I have always been a middle-of-the-roader when it comes to moods (it's become a little bit more precarious with the whole menopause thing, but still not as bad as it is popularly portrayed), Bernd has never had the opportunity to acquire the protective gear that helped keep me from going mildly insane. He never learned how to keep his feelings separated from the feelings of others.
If you search the Internet with the phrase "hypersensitivity to emotions of others," all sorts of information pops up. Some of it has to do with socio- and psychopaths, neither of which categories fits Bernd. Thank goodness. But you get the sense that this is a problem that is quite widespread and not just an aspect of autism. And there is some evidence that a fair amount of depression is caused by emotional hypersensitivity.
Carl Jung said, "Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people." I'm sure he meant well and if you could have spent a couple years with him, you might have gotten it all worked out. That was meant to be sarcasm; I am not a big fan of psychotherapy. Another source thinks it is as simple as this: Just because you are able to sense other people's feelings, doesn't mean you are responsible for those feelings . And I think there may be some help here, but it doesn't quite go far enough. It does follow along with a lot of what I have read of Buddhism as taught by the Dalai Lama. He is quick to point out that Buddhist monks do indeed have emotions. They get angry, sad and happy just like everyone else. It is what you do with those emotions that is most important. You are to allow yourself to feel them, acknowledge and understand them and then let them go. So maybe what Bernd needs isn't so much protective gear as a really good waste disposal system.
Other sources suggest giving into the urge to eliminate social contacts and then slowly reintegrate yourself. But not a one that I looked at had any advice for how to "protect" your psyche from the emotions of others. If I had a clue what it is that I did all those years ago, I could probably make a fortune selling it.
I've always felt that Bernd is an insipient genius. He has a much more negative opinion of himself, mostly due to his depression. And while he is currently taking an antidepressant and feels better on balance, he still has these ingrained thought patterns to deal with and the emotions of others still affect him quite strongly. If I could just get him the proper protective gear, who knows what he could accomplish. Don't ask me what's my excuse.
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)Good article Dianne, boy could I identify. I have to work hard not to take on my husbands feelings. All things are possible through Christ Jesus. Works for me.Hi Linda.Faith is a powerful tool, that's for sure. I'm lucky in so many ways that I can't count them. It's good you've found something that works!Thanks for reading and commenting.My best to you,Dianne
This is a most thought-provoking article and does make one wonder if your husband’s primary challenge may be absorbing emotions of others because of some sort of high paranormal sensitivity that may never be understood unless stumbling upon a cause as to why he is able to pick up so keenly on the emotions of others. The following is a cut from an online article:Highly Sensitive People tend to be more sensitive to electricity, sounds, smells, “waves in the air that others can’t see,” other people’s moods, emotions, and extra-sensory or paranormal conditions that even the Sensitive may not be able to explain or understand. I, myself, have trouble with acute hearing. I hear everything. As a result, though it seems I am deaf when I watch TV, I am not. I need it to be louder so I can focus on it and drown other unwanted [feelings, noise, emotional, mental, paranormal] intrusion out.It may be a condition that he could live with when better understood if this should be the direct cause and not the mood-swings caused by a chemical imbalance. Emotions are what they are but I would feel more comfortable understanding them and in the meantime putting on a protective coat of armor (or building a protective aura):“I ask for the cleansing and purification of my spirit mind, soul and body,rebuking every negative and destructive thought and vibration from my being.I also ask that I be surrounded in a pure white light of love so that only the vibrations of peace, light and love be allowed to touch and influence me in anyway.”And believe that protection will be there for the asking.Hello Friend.Very good points and advice. My sister, who is Wiccan, has offered to teach him how to put up a protective aura. His problem in that area is focus. And when he is immersed in the prevailing emotions, he can not always think of what he need to do to protect himself.And he is very sensitive to sound. He can not sleep well unless he wears earplugs. And he does like the TV volume turned up louder than I do. And he has on numerous occasion known what is about to happen ... more than I ever do. I'm a highly sensitive person as it is "clinically" defined, but not to the extent that he is. He has avoided a number of car accidents by "knowing" the future. It's kind of freaky sometimes.Thank you so much for sharing your perspective on this with me. More to think about. :)Dianne
An excellent article Dianne. I have a friend who is bipolar and when he is in a depressed state he withdraws from everyone. I take it personally. I'm the type of person who wants to help, but I've learned I can't, and trying to just annoys him and probably makes things worse. You have to let their 'state' run it's course, I suppose. Reading this made me realize I have to try harder with my friend to be more understanding. It's difficult to see someone you care about feel depressed and to maintain your own sense of well-being at the same time. Bernd is lucky to have you in his life, it sounds like the two of you work as a team through everything. That's what most couples strive for.Hi Brianna.Bernd says to tell you that you are a sweetie.Letting it run its course was one of the hardest things for me to learn. I did try to fix it and it did pretty much always annoy him. But finally I figured it out and just let him be what he will be.And we do make an excellent team. We've known this for years. It is a great joy for me. I've always felt I was the luckiest one in this relationship. I'm sure that's one of the reasons it's worked so well all these years.Thanks for reading and for you kind comments!Hugs,Dianne
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