The Fine Art of the Preemptory Deprecatory Remark
Posted: Monday, December 27, 2010
by Dianne Lehmann
Artisan Jewelry from SyZyGy
I once worked with a man who thought he was my boss. His father had hired me and in my mind his father was my boss. But the Dad wanted to retire and had, more or less by default, put his son in charge. I swore that the day I started to consider the son my boss that I would quit. I quit before that ever happened.
The son was a louse. By that I mean that I could see no good reason for his existence. And I am generally a very charitable person who prefers to look for the good in everyone. In my opinion, The Louse was a chronically lying psychopathic, misogynistic sociopath. He did everything he could to make my life miserable.
He would say things to me like, "I want ALL this stuff off of the counter right now. We are getting a new shipment of beads today." Then I would proceed to start putting ALL the stuff away or out to stock and he would watch me like a bobcat ready to pounce. Just as I was about to pick up some part of ALL the stuff he would yell, "No! Not that. I'm sending that back to the vendor." Then as I would be replacing the returns on the counter he would say, "You are so stupid," or something much worse.
That can be very hurtful even when it's coming from a louse. I'll admit that I'm not the most emotionally tough person in the world, but after many repetitions of this scenario and others like it, most anyone would start to feel upset. Well, maybe many others would get angry, but that is not my way. I just tend to cry, privately, in the restroom. I blame my apparent inability to learn quickly and so not to constantly get caught out by The Louse on my innate desire to find good in everyone. Sometimes you just can't.
The Louse would set me up to fail in just about any way his devious and sociopathic little mind could come up with. And, in this one area at least, he was very creative. Or he would get so angry "at" me that he would break glass counter tops and blame me, kick trash cans at me or ball his fist in my face. But these overt physical threats never had the impact that his nasty words did. I always figured that, small as I am, I would "take him out" if he ever actually attacked me. I'd fight fast and dirty and he wouldn't know what hit him. But how do you fight words? The Louse taught me the fine art of the preemptory deprecatory remark, that's how.
Before he could call me stupid (I'd learned everything I ever needed to know about his sense of timing … wait for it … wait for it … blam!), I would say something like, "I can't believe I just did that. I'm so stupid." Then, if he were to say it, he would look like the total idiot that he was. I could say those sorts of things to myself because I knew I didn't mean it and I was doing it in defense of myself. Or if I would spill something or trip over something, before he could make some hurtful remark about my coordination, I would make it first. He attacked me from all angles. But I was ready with a sidetracking remark.
I became so good at the preemptory deprecatory remark that I took all the fun out of it for him and he actually started giving me less grief (although he did ramp up the implied physical threats). Unfortunately, he found a new target; his son's 16 year old girlfriend who was also working in the shop. Oh, did I mention this was a family business and she and I were the only non-family members working there? Also, the only females working there.
The Louse absolutely hated her. He called her a cunt and a whore and similar things more times in a day than you might hear those words in an "R" rated movie. But she was very young and try as I might, I could never help her to get the hang of the preemptory deprecatory remark. Eventually, she took herself and her baby boy (the grandson of the Louse) and went back to her drug dealing parents. Oh, did I mention (though it didn't start out that way) the whole thing was a lot like a soap opera on television with one of The Louse's sons in prison and more that doesn't bear repeating?
Actually, it was more like "Bonanza." You know, where a woman would enter the male dominated dynamic for an episode only to be eliminated violently, or through disgrace or some such thing. How the Louse's mother has managed to remain alive in that family is a mystery to me. And the Louse's sister got out and moved far, far away just as soon as she was able. That should have tipped me off right there. I can be a little slow on the uptake sometimes. If the Louse had ever said that about me, I'd have had to agree.
Generally speaking all the self-help books I've ever read have said that you need to speak well of yourself to yourself. And so on the face of it, making deprecatory remarks about myself would seem to be counter productive. But because they were preemptory, I do not think that they were harmful. So, the next time you find yourself in a situation similar to mine, consider developing the fine art of the preemptory deprecatory remark. You might be surprised at how well it works. At least it works long enough to help keep you sane until you can get up the courage to quit and find a more nourishing working environment. One where some insidious fool isn't trying to rip your psyche to shreds on a daily basis.
Maybe you are wondering what the final straw was that broke this "camel's" back. Maybe you are not. And on the face of it, it might seem a bit anticlimactic and insignificant. But when you add it to all the other abuse (and there was lot of it), then perhaps it is not hard to understand. We had run out of toilet paper. I told The Louse and asked him to please pick some up when he went out to get change for the cash register. He said, "That's the problem of the person who uses it." There was a supermarket right next to the bank and when he returned with the change, he did not bring any toilet paper. Nor did anyone else in the family bring any the next day. Luckily, I had brought a roll for my own use with me.
I thought about the situation over the weekend and tried very hard to talk myself out of quitting but was unsuccessful. I never went back. Maybe one day, if I am lucky or if I work really hard at it, I can finally let this go. But … I have found a use for the art I learned by working with The Louse on other occasions and so it was not a total loss.
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Top-level comments on this article: (5 total)Dianne I hate that you were treated in this way, and I'm not surprised you've found it hard to let it go. What a despicable bully. I'm glad you got away from him.Hi Jennifer.
Thank you for your sympathy. Personally, I believe that no one should ever be treated in that way. But it happens ... probably more than we realize. Just consider Teresa Ortiz's article about her boss who is intimidated by her.
I'm glad I got away from him too. But you know, I learned a lot from the experience. I stayed (out of loyalty to the man who hired me) for over a year and a half and it taught me a bit about why some women stay with men who abuse them. It also taught me to stand up for myself better ... even if I did it a bit backwards. :)
My mom always said that every dark cloud has a silver lining and in my experience, she hasn't been wrong yet.
It did feel good though to get a bit of a rant out about it. :)
Thanks so much for your support and concern!
Hugs,
Dianne
The louse, as you so politely put it, was and is, if he's lucky enough to still be alive, a sad little man that so hates himself he had to treat others in the manner that he felt about himself to keep from becoming so depressed he would need to extricate his sad little self from existence. So in a manner of speaking, you saved his life. That is more than he clearly deserved. You should have told your father, or your brother, or your boyfriend, or anybody that would have been more than happy after hearing your story, to go feed this small little fella a nice knuckle sandwich. I'm sure it would have gone down well with his sad little over bloated ego. Where'd you say he lives?:-)Hi David.
Oooh! That was nice! :)
My husband was actually worried about me being at work with him, but not for what you might expect. Bernd always thought that one day a customer would become so upset with The Louse that he (or she) would bring a shotgun into the shop and start blasting away and that I'd get shot in the process.
I was pretty sure he hated himself and was depressed. Every now and then (but not really very often), I felt sorry for him. It, however, never excused his bad behavior.
Oh and, you'd never want to hit him unless you were also prepared to kill him because he'd sure as heck try to kill you if you hit him. He's a convicted felon for nearly beating a guy to death. Yeah, I know, so what the heck was I doing working with him? Didn't know all this when I started.
Thanks for all your lovely and comforting words. They made me smile!
Hugs,
DianneYou're very welcome. Guess I'm a little sadistic myself in the respect that the bigger and badder they thought they were, the more I enjoyed watching them fall.:-) But you're right, on some level it's hard not to feel sorry for them, because a lot of times people treat others the way they were treated themselves. Good day, and good riddance to him.
I'm afraid I never would have had the patience and forbearance that you showed in this situation- I don't get mad easily or often, but being talked to like that would have tripped my buzzer..I probably would have got fired and arrested for assault and battery! But I may have been let go, because some people just need hitting- and he sounds like one of them- as far as him being a bad a**, Texas women have equalizers.... That's what would probably happen in Texas anyway-LOLHi Ella.
I don't know that it was patience and forbearance as much as it was pig-headed, stubborn stupidity. And I didn't so much get mad as depressed. I wasn't much fun to be around at home for about a year!
I do agree that some people just need hitting and he might well have, but it would be very bad for the hitter. Did you see my response to David's comment?
What's a Texan equalizer? Because if it's a gun, we have those in Arizona too. And I have a nice one of my own.
Anyway, thanks for reading and chiming in. I always enjoy reading your point of view.
Hugs,
DianneLLLOL--- Arizona and Texas aren't that much different- I stayed in Arizona for a few weeks a few years ago....I did notice that fact...........the thing about those equalizers is knowing how and when they're necessary........which I'll just bet you do.....
Thanks for sharing Dianne. It must have taken a lot of patience to handle him. I think you won by quitting in the end and he lost! Louser or looser as he would be called. :-)Hi DM.
You know, I wouldn't think that I had won by quitting because I loved that job before he came to it. But he was so darn angry when I quit, that I think I might just have won. Discovering the lies he was telling to the customers about why I was no longer there (I live in a small town and I'd run into some of them now and then) was very hurtful. But it just shows the extent to which he would go to make himself look good. It's better, in my mind, to simply BE good.
Oh well. Thanks for reading! And commenting!
Hugs,
Dianne
Some people just seem to thrive on abusing others. I'm glad you found a way to make it work and deprive him of the 'joy' of belittling you.Hi Val.
Some people do seem to thrive on that. There are often reasons for it, but that doesn't make it okay. My mom had low self esteem and was always giving clerks in shops a hard time. I found it to be very embarrassing, but I couldn't get her to quit.
I was actually happy that he quit most of his obnoxious behavior toward me, but sad that he turned it on someone else. She was smarter than me though, she got out sooner. Who says that a sixteen year old can't have wisdom?
Thanks for reading and for commenting too.
Hugs,
Dianne
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