The Misadventures of Tall Guy and Short Gal: The New Kitchen Sink
Posted: Tuesday, July 26, 2011
by Dianne Lehmann
Artisan Jewelry from SyZyGy
This should begin as most things do … at the beginning. But that is not our way today or any day for that matter as you, dear Reader, may have learned by now. Today, we shall begin in the middle because that is where we always begin and where the most fun may be had. Except, of course, if you are at the end of a "crack-the-whip" game. Then the end is most certainly more exciting than either the beginning or the middle. A little more dangerous too.
Short Gal can be sweet and nice and a load of fun to be around. She can also be devious, but is loathe to advertise that fact. So loathe is she that she often does not even recognize when she is applying conniving. Often it is the product of circumstance and the rather odd way she looks at the world. But now and then it is intentional. In reality, this was an instance of the former and not the latter, though you might not believe it when you have read a little further.
For quite some time, Short Gal had wanted a new kitchen sink. The old one was scratched and it stained so easily that it could not be kept clean. She was certain that Tall Guy would not want to replace it however. It usually takes quite a bit of cajoling to get him to undertake a difficult task. Still that did not stop her visiting the local home improvement store on her regular Friday out shopping for groceries and errand running.
Short Gal was totally overcome with the selection of sizes, colors and arrangements available. None of the sinks were cheap, excepting the un-insulated stainless steel sinks (which she was certain that she did not want … ever) and so she thought it best she put the whole idea on the back burner … indefinitely. As she was leaving the store, she just happened to walk past the faucet aisle … really.
She was somewhat chagrined to find herself back in her ancient, but still plucky, Jeep with a bright and shiny, brand new kitchen faucet. She finished up the rest of her errands and purchased the weeks worth of groceries and headed home with the faucet sitting on the passenger seat, silently mocking her. What was she going to say to Tall Guy about it when he saw it?
As it turned out, even though she put it prominently on the dining room table, Tall Guy did not see it until the next day. He is usually so tired from his day at work that it is a wonder he notices anything upon returning home. Sometimes, Short Gal thinks that she could rearrange all of the furniture in the house and he would not realize it so long as she left the television and his recliner where they have always been.
Saturday morning, after eating breakfast and while returning his dishes to the kitchen, he finally saw the faucet sitting on the table. "Hey, Sweetie, what's this?" he asked pointing to the box.
"It's a new kitchen faucet. It's a Kohler. It's very nice." All this was said without a smile on her face, but the hopeful and somewhat calculating look in her eyes was not hard to miss. If Tall Guy had been looking at Short Gal instead of at the faucet with a frown creasing his, still after all these years of marriage to Short Gal, unlined brow, he would have known he was in for a right good verbal go around.
"I can see that it's a faucet and it says 'Kohler' right on the box. What's it doing on the dining room table?"
"That's where I put it when I brought it into the house and I haven't moved it yet. Are you unhappy with it sitting there? Where would you like it to be instead?"
"Hunh? No. I didn't mean that. I meant what are you doing with a kitchen faucet?"
"Well, I'm not doing anything with it am I? It's just sitting there." That one was said with a smile and Tall Guy did see it and so he decided to change his tactics.
"Why did you buy a kitchen faucet?"
"You know, Sweetie, I'm not all together certain why I did. Would you like for me to return it?"
Short Gal had tipped her head downward slightly and was looking up at Tall Guy from just below her eyebrows. It wasn't so much the sad puppy dog look as it was a wondering look with her eyebrows a bit raised. She was waiting for the release of tension in his lower jaw that would allow his mouth to gape ever so slightly open. This is always an indication that Tall Guy is thinking furiously and she would much rather have him thinking than reacting. And sure enough, there it was, that tiny release and drop of his jaw. Several moments went by with neither of them saying a word. They have both had a lot of experience as salespeople and well understand the usefulness of the "pregnant pause." Had an outsider witnessed this tableau, they might have thought that time had stopped.
The problem was, as Tall Guy saw it, that he now recognized it for what it was. Short Gal was trying to manipulate him into doing something … what that was he was not entirely certain and frankly, he dreaded the finding out. So the silence dragged on a bit longer and his jaw dropped down a bit further while he desperately tried to decide what his next move should be. We do not use the word "desperately" lightly.
"Sweetie?"
"Yes."
"I think that you do know why you bought a new kitchen faucet. Want to tell me about it?"
"Well, the old one is so nasty and corroded and this new one is so pretty. Besides, it has an innovative ceramic cartridge that is supposed to be super durable and require very little maintenance. You know how you hate having to constantly replace the insides of our 16 year old faucet. I just thought a new faucet would be nice. And honestly, it wasn't my intent to buy one. It just sort of happened." What Short Gal didn't say was that she had actually gone to look at kitchen sinks.
Because Tall Guy knows Short Gal so well, he actually does understand how it could just "sort of happen." While she is generally quite rational, her emotions do sometimes get the better of her judgment. Tall Guy has never held this against her. Actually, it's one of the things he finds so charming about her … her apparent inability to understand this fact about herself and the total "perplextion" it often creates within her which is attended by a lot of gesturing with her hands and unfinished sentences.
Tall guy gave it some thought and said, "Well, if we were going to replace the kitchen faucet, shouldn't we also replace the kitchen sink?"
And Short Gal jumped on that question with, "That certainly is a good thought. This one is scratched and stains easily and I've never really liked the type that is mounted from beneath. We could get a nice drop-in style."
"Aha," Tall Guy thinks to himself. Now he finally knows where this was going all along. So just to mess with her a bit (because it is so easy to do), he says, "I don't really know that we need a new sink, so you should probably take the faucet back because I don't mind repairing the old one quite as much as I say and besides, it still works just fine."
Short Gal did not realize she had been holding her breath until Tall Guy finished with his statement. Then she tried to let it out as unobtrusively as possible. It wouldn't do to let Tall Guy see her disappointment, or hear it as the case may be. Short Gal has learned over the years that you can't always get what you want and that marriage works best when negotiations are honest. And if Tall Guy were to see her disappointment, he might then change his position. Besides, she can never tell when he is messing with her, so she said as unemotionally as she could with an attempt at a chipper tone, "Okay. I'll return it next week."
Then Tall Guy smiled one of his really big smiles and Short Gal knew that he had put another one over on her and said, "Oh you big goof ball! I don't know why I haven't gotten wise to your ways after all these years."
Then Tall Guy said, "So, when should we go have a look, just a look mind you, at new kitchen sinks?"
"We could go right after lunch if that's okay with you," Short Gal said with some excitement.
"Would we have our usual Saturday lunch of spaghetti while watching a movie?" We have previously mentioned in other stories that food figures largely in Tall Guy's life.
"Well, yes, of course. What else would we do?" Short Gal replied because she loves spaghetti and a movie just as much as Tall Guy.
And so they went about their morning in their usual fashion and had their Saturday lunch date as usual. They cleaned themselves up and got dressed for going out and then negotiated who would drive.
Because neither of them is all that fond of driving, sometimes a flip of a coin is necessary to determine who will perform the duty. Tall Guy won the toss, or lost it as the case may be, and so he had to drive. Tall Guy does not like to drive Short Gal's Jeep because it is a tight fit for him. Similarly, Short Gal does not like to drive his Intrepid because she has to sit so closely to the steering wheel in order for her feet to reach the pedals that it makes her nervous. So they would be taking the Intrepid. Not the best vehicle for getting a new sink home (mainly because Tall Guy has the trunk so full of tools and what not that nothing much else will fit). But because they were just going to have a look, it didn't matter. Things just never seem to work out the way you think they will, however.
Short Gal just loves hardware stores and next on her list of favorite places is a home improvement store. She prefers hardware stores because they are generally smaller and you can more easily find someone to help you. But for selection and price, a home improvement store can not be beat. Before long, Tall Guy and Short Gal find themselves at their local home improvement warehouse. Short Gal knows just where the sinks are located having looked at them the previous day, but tried not to let on. And after about a half an hour of walking back and forth and considering the virtues of one over the other, Tall Guy and Short Gal find a sink they both like at a price they both think is reasonable if still a bit high. So, what to do now?
They both stand there looking at one another for a few moments and then Tall Guy says, "I suppose you'd like to take one home right now."
"Well. We're here. It's there. Seems like the smart thing to do." He was not surprised at her reply.
"How darn heavy do you think this sink is?" Tall Guy had to ask because they had decided to go with a very durable cast iron sink.
"It says right here that the shipping weight is 100 pounds. Just about what I weigh. Between the two of us, we should be able to … oh wait! You drove. Do you think we can get it into your back seat?"
"Boy, Sweetie, I don't know. It should fit, but that's pretty darn heavy."
"Well, I suppose we could buy it and give it a try. If we can't do it, we could return it or ask them to hold it and come back with the Jeep." And while Tall Guy was not at all keen about driving all the way home to drive all the way back and then home again, he went along with it because he could see how excited Short Gal was about the new sink.
And so they got some help from an employee to get it down from the shelf and onto a cart. It was a little too high for Short Gal to help with that part (why do they put such heavy items up so high?). They paid for it and wheeled it out to the Intrepid. Then they stood and looked over the situation for a while. It is their way to think things through as thoroughly as they are able. Unfortunately, they are notalways well able and thinking past getting it in did not proceed to getting it out. More’s the pity.
While the back seat in the Intrepid is very comfortable, it is not all that large and the door openings are a bit on the small side. It was finally decided that Short Gal would help Tall Guy get the sink out of the cart and rest it on the seat. She would then go around to the other side, crawl in and pull the sink all the way in with an assist from Tall Guy. It did indeed fit and the plan worked like a charm. They got in and drove home. That's where the real problems began.
Tall Guy said upon arriving home and exiting his car, "So, Sweetie, I suppose you want to take this out of the car right now." As we have said, he knows her well.
"Well, yes. We should probably take it into the house. We can store it in the guest bedroom until we are ready to install it."
"You know, I think I might like to leave it until tomorrow. It was pretty darn heavy."
Short Gal, having used mainly her stomach muscles and arms to pull it into the car and having not really lifted it at all, thought that it wasn't really all that bad and said, "It didn't seem all that heavy to me. I think we can get it out okay."
Getting a large and heavy something into the back seat (or trunk) of a car is relatively easy. Getting it out may not always be so easy, however, and this is the thought that never crossed their minds as they were putting it into the car. In order for Tall Guy to grab it in any handy sort of way, he had to twist his back a bit while leaning over. Short Gal was inside ready to lend a hand lifting and pushing. They counted one, two, three, and went for it. But because Tall Guy had to take most of the weight of it this time, it soon developed that his back was not up to the task. Something went snap and that was that. And the sink rode everywhere with Tall Guy for quite some time.
We are not sure exactly what happened to his back, but it was mostly frozen up for several days and all in all required nearly two months to get back to any kind of good condition. It was almost another month beyond that before Tall Guy felt confident enough in its condition to think about installing the sink.
On the upside, they had had a lot of time to consider how best to handle the weight of it while installing it and the installation actually went quite well. Another upside (mostly for Short Gal) was that Tall Guy never blamed her for the damage to his back even though it was she who wanted it immediately out of his car. Tall Guy was heard, however, on numerous occasions during the installation to say, "Now, let's take this slowly," or "Let's don't rush into this next step," or "Right now, Sweetie, you'll have to balance most of the weight of it." Much chagrined and very sorry for all the pain he had to endure the past few months, Short Gal was quiet and patient and did just as she was told. For Tall Guy, it was a nice departure from the norm.
So in what way are they not quite normal? Over the years, Short Gal's enthusiasm has led to a number of physical injuries to Tall Guy. But he has never blamed her or railed at her about it. He has taken it in stride because he knows that she would take that injury on herself if she could. And that has made all the difference in the world.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Has "Short Gal" ever been called out, arrested, subjected to an intervention or been ostracized? Has "Tall Guy" ever been submitted to the Vatican for Sainthood? Wild tale, well told. You guys are quite a couple. You are a couple right?Hi Christofer.
No and no. But I'm sure that Short Gal would nominate him in a nanosecond had she the power.
Yes, Bernd and I are a couple. I write these with a kernel of truth at the center of them. This one has more than one kernel.
Bernd and I have been married for almost 36 years. I find it hard to believe sometimes that so much time has passed. We've had some crazy adventures together. But I find the more mundane, daily life sort of adventures to be the most amusing.
Thanks so much for reading and I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
Hugs,
DianneI just had to say something notable. You sound like a wonderful couple and I am sure he treasures you beyond verbal expression. You are a fun person to write to, and you must fun in real life!Goodness, I do hope that I am fun. I've nothing much else to recommend me. :)
I think that he does treasure me, but for sure, I treasure HIM beyond words!
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